in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
