Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
