In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
