Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize