I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
