When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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