dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
