if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
