Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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