apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
