I wish I could punch you in the face.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
