I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
