I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
