Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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