I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
