I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
