I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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