you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
