I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
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