He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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