I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
