my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
