She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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