Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
