I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
