my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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