I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
