2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
