i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Randomize
