Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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