thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
