My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize