Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
