my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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