i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
