Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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