new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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