remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
