Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
