he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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