How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
