operation harelip BJ is a go
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize