There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
