I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize