Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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