I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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