You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
