She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
