happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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