i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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