Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
