I wish I could teleport
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
She bit a glass in half.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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