I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
