and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
