My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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