My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
