So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
