This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
