answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
